I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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