My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
