What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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