That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
