so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
