I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
