Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
