Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
