Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
