I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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