so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize