Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
