Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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