Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
