you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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