I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
