dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
