so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
