put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
