I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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