I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
