It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
