he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize