so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
