i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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