just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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