I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
