i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
