Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
