It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
