Got a toothbrush?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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