idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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