You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I love you.
Bad choice
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
