I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
