It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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