At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
