Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
