i just wanna soil my oats bro
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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