I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can't turn off my feet"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
