Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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