News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
