I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
