got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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