i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
