I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
