I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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