he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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