So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
