This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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