I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
