i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
