he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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