it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Who wears a wallet chain?!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
