I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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