1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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