you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
