I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
