Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i think i have two assholes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
