Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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