i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
